Those Who Gather | Finding Your Tribe in the Trials
When my younger brother died fourteen years ago, my family was swarmed with hundreds of well-wishers stopping by with coffee, flowers, and gifts, sharing memories and snapshots, and bearing casseroles conveniently packaged in aluminum trays, ready for the freezer. There was a constant breeze from the revolving front door of my parent’s home, and the full driveway made it appear that we were always hosting a party. With all of the visitors, came the same blanket request. “If you need anything, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask.”
This is the thing we say to someone who is grieving. It is a social convention. We tell them that we are there for them, but at the same time, we are not intrusive with our offer. After all, grieving people need their rest and solitude. They want to be alone, right?
This is exactly what my family received. After the initial visits, the callers dwindled. Within days of the funeral, only close friends and family continued to check in, and weeks later, even they stopped coming around. We often felt isolated and lonely, and it hurt to see so many people who said that they cared, back away like we were contagious.
Something funny happens when a loved one dies. People forget how to speak to you. It’s like they don’t know how to initiate a conversation without tripping over the booby trap of the mortality of your loved one. They don’t know what topics are out-of-bounds and which ones will incite tears. People don’t know how to be uncomfortable or how to sit with someone who is emotional. It is easier to stay away and pretend that the grieving person needs their space instead of showing up in the thick of it.
Humans don’t do grief very well. We try to hide it or act as if we aren’t affected by the pain. We are often present at the onset of someone else’s grief and then our lives return to normal and we forget that their grief will not go away. We think the best cure for mourning is isolation. We treat it like it was a 24-hour stomach bug, and hope that we don’t contract it ourselves.
When you are grieving, though, it is actually in those trials where you find out who your people are. They are the ones who show up anyway, without needing to be asked. They are the ones who know that hurting people don’t request help because they don’t want to be an imposition on anyone or they are too exhausted to delegate out to willing volunteers. They are the ones who aren’t afraid of sitting with you when you are weeping and being quiet when you just need someone to listen. They aren’t afraid of your grief.
Death isn’t the only crisis in which you can learn who your tribe is. In any seriously difficult event that you go through, you only need to look around and see who is showing up for you, because it’s those people who are your ride-or-die people.
Weeks after losing my brother, I had a few close friends who were always popping in and checking on me, and they continue to even now. They remember the anniversary of his death and start calling or texting weeks in advance, just to make sure I know that I’m not going to be alone. They have helped me through some dark times, but they also show up when things are good. They are just good friends. They are my people and I’m grateful for them.
Showing up for someone who is going through a difficult time might seem like a lot of work, but it really just requires thoughtfulness. A little time and effort on your part will go leaps and bounds toward making your friend’s day or week a little better. Here are some of the helpful things I noticed from my own experience.
When grief is what your friend is dealing with, even the smallest of tasks will feel overwhelming. So, rather than asking what you can do to help, it’s often better to volunteer to do a specific task. Depending on how close you are, you might offer to toss in a load or two of laundry, drop off the dry cleaning, walk the dog, or drive their kids to and from school.
Meal trains are a popular thing, and a lot of people want to bring a homecooked meal to someone who is grieving. If this is what you can contribute, be mindful of portion sizes and storage limitations. A single person or a couple might not need a whole tray of lasagna, and they might not have the freezer space to keep all the meals they will be receiving. Dietary restrictions are something else to think about, and it’s always best to check if there are any foods that need to be avoided.
If feeding people is your love language but you don’t have a lot of time (or aren’t the greatest cook,) you can deliver a gift card to a local restaurant or a meal delivery service like GrubHub, UberEats, or PostMates. These are actually becoming the preferred option, since gift cards don’t go moldy in the fridge if they aren’t used right away.
Flowers are another way to offer a little cheer to someone’s day. Potted plants that are easy to take care of or flowers that are already trimmed and placed in a vase are the easiest for someone to receive since they require less work. If you know they have pets, you might check out the ASPCA’s toxic plant list to be sure what you are delivering won’t be a hazard for their fuzzy friend.
The easiest and most important thing to do for a friend who is going through a hard time is just showing up. Call or text often, even if they are silly memes. Make sure they know that you care and are happy to listen if they need to talk, and be present when you are with them. Remember that their world might not go back to normal when you think it should, so don’t disappear on them. This is ultimately the greatest way to show up for a friend in need.
