What I Learned | Winter 2022
Lately, life has felt like I’m sitting in one of those spinning teacups at an amusement park. There’s a lot going on in the world and in my personal life and I feel helpless and out of control. Writing helps, but I don’t have many words at the moment. I have been journaling every day. Even that is difficult right now. What has made me feel better is tackling all the tedious organizational tasks that I’ve been putting off for months. I organized the crates of embroidery floss that I inherited from my late grandmother. I cleaned and purged the stuff that I’ve accumulated over the years that’s been stored under my bed. I switched my entire Google Chrome browser and accompanying apps to my new profile, finally letting go of the email address in my former married name. That felt good.
It seems that Emily P. Freeman doesn’t do these quarterly updates anymore. I get it. All good things come to an end. Goals change. We make choices about what we will do with the little spare time that we have. People who used to enjoy blogging don’t do it anymore, favoring the “micro-blog” of Instagram or sharing reels or TikToks instead of the written word. A lot of things are changing. The free spirit in me is embracing it, but the girl who likes her routines is sighing. I’d like to keep up these posts, for a while anyway. I enjoy going back and thinking about all the little lessons life has taught me. I think it’s good to glance back before moving forward.
That said, this is what I learned this winter.
Old trauma doesn’t go away on its own.
I’d like to believe that the trauma that haunts us mentally or emotionally will ease over time, that if we just ignore it, it will disappear. Sadly, it doesn’t happen that way. It might live in the shadows, but it always comes bubbling back up when you least expect it. There is a lot of work that goes into getting to a point where trauma doesn’t keep you from living a happy and well-adjusted life. I’ve had a lot of my own breaking in recently. Just the other night, I cried for what seemed like hours, and my sweet partner stroked my hair and held me and listened.
But even listening can be heavy for someone who is an empath. And so I try to find some space between sharing what I’m going through and emotionally dumping on my loved ones. I think I cross the line more than I realize, but I also don’t want to be the person who bottles up all her emotions until the top blows off of this volcano in my head. For now, until the ghosts of my past stop posing a threat to my emotional well-being, I work on it with journaling, exposure therapy, and biofeedback. Baby steps, yeah?
It’s better to walk away than to let them see you break.
I’m a huge proponent of boundaries but I’m not always the best at setting them or upholding them. I was recently involved in a conversation in which someone brought up a topic that holds a deeply painful history with me. I don’t know why it was mentioned, if it was to hurt me or if it was a mistaken attempt to comfort me, but I instantly had a visceral reaction, so much so that I couldn’t speak. I had to get up and walk away and I was choking back sobs the moment my back was turned. I realized that just because I closed the door to that facet of my old life, doesn’t mean that everyone else has.
The older I get, the more I realize that boundaries are absolutely necessary for maintaining healthy relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. While I can’t necessarily force someone to only speak on the topics that I feel comfortable with, I do have the power to walk away and not allow myself to be exposed to the drama that others so often relish. Walking away sets a clear boundary, and in times when the intent might be more malicious, walking away is better than letting them see you break.
Some days/weeks/months are gonna be shit, and that’s okay.
I imagine myself sounding like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh when I read that out loud. I’ve definitely been in a cup-half-empty kind of mood lately. I thought the last two years were heavy, but so far, this year sucks. Life has been hard. Aside from all the bad news making headlines around the world and all the little things that add weight to our personal lives, my father was diagnosed with cancer. The same cancer that took both my grandfather and uncle. This has shaken my entire family. We don’t have a lot of information yet, just a surgery date and the thoughts and prayers of everyone we know. So, I’m trying to take life one step at a time and not let the stress overwhelm me. I am failing miserably at this.
I believe it was Rumi who said, “The cure for pain is in the pain.” There are a lot of books and essays out there about how one can grow and find peace as a result of pain, that it’s good to be uncomfortable sometimes. I deal with chronic pain every day and I’ve had my share of emotional pain as well. Truthfully, we (all) are facing more pain these days, and I don’t know if there is always a learning opportunity or wise words to glean from suffering. I think, sometimes, life just sucks. That’s the way it is and we have to find some kind of solace in the idea that after the tsunamis of our lives hit, the water does eventually recede.
There is some truth in how we feel a new moon.
“We may feel tired, introspective, and ready to indulge in some much-needed introvert time.” This is a quote from a beauty blog, but it spelled out exactly what is happening inside my body and mind right now. Today is a new moon and I seriously don’t want to leave my bedroom. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to curl up under the covers with a book and never come out. I’ve always been a believer in the wonders of how our astrological world can affect us down here on Earth, but I’m feeling it extra hard today. Thankfully, no planets are in retrograde right now, or who knows when the world would see my face again.
The world doesn’t like a bully.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock or off the grid, you know what’s happening in eastern Europe right now. While there is a lot of disinformation out there, people on the ground in Ukraine and just over the border in surrounding countries are doing an excellent job showing first-hand accounts of what war looks like there. It’s horrifying and I’ve seen some videos that I wish I could un-see, but you can’t grasp what is happening if you censor the devastation. I’m inspired by all the countries and companies that are standing up and saying no to the bully. They are pulling their products and services from Russia to prevent the president from using them to spread more false information. They are withholding funding and blocking trade.
But there are so many that are sending aid to the Ukrainian people who had to flee and to those who left their homes one morning, stood in line to get a weapon, and are fighting to protect their country from invasion. It’s inspiring to see President Zelenskyy on the streets with his people, encouraging his soldiers and putting his own life in danger to save his land. Talk about patriotism. My thoughts are with the Ukrainian people. Slava Ukraini!
