What I Learned | Fall 2021
What an autumn that was! My season was spent falling in love with my adventurous side again, something I thought no longer existed because it’s been shut away for so long. When you are chronically ill, you spend a lot of time resting and recovering from the few tasks that you are able to tackle every day, and there was plenty of rest to be had. But I did manage to squeeze in some exploration, both of myself and around my local city. There were day trips, family time, and planning a vacation in the Pacific Northwest, and I can’t wait to write about those things in the near future. But for now, I’m joining Emily P. Freeman in sharing what I learned this fall.
When one aspect of my life is off-balance, the whole stack comes tumbling down.
I really struggled with maintaining my routines this year, and it totally killed my progress in all areas of life. Between the pandemic, a neck and shoulder injury followed by four months of physical therapy, an eye surgery, and falling in love, I had trouble balancing the expectations that I had for my former self with the time that I had for work and personal growth in the present. To share a funny but painful example, I missed a couple of days of practice in my language learning app and lost my 827-day streak. To a perfectionist, this is the worst.
Unfortunately, when one thing started slipping, there was an avalanche (of tears) that followed. Depression and anxiety rushed in and it took some time to find my balance again. The goal for 2022 is to set some healthy boundaries when it comes to work and personal time and get back to daily journaling so that I can work my frustrations out on paper long before they become a big problem.
I need to ease up on myself.
I am so hard on myself. I was talking with my partner last night about this very thing. I set the most ridiculously high standards and impossible expectations for myself, push beyond my capacity to accomplish everything, and when I fall short, as I am sure to do, I beat myself up for failing. Why do we do this to ourselves? In my childhood, I picked up the idea that it is not okay to rest, that I must be busy - or look busy - all the time. I can remember the fear that coursed through my veins when I saw my parents pulling in the driveway after being away, and racing around the house to make sure it was tidy, that my brothers hadn’t destroyed anything, that any possible wrong had been righted, all because, somewhere along the line, I learned that it was not okay to just be.
I still do this today. I feel like I have to show a list of everything that I’ve accomplished in a day or my existence will not be valid. I’m not good at taking breaks and I’m definitely not good at scheduling in downtime to recover from… well, life. I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and talking with (but really, listening to) my partner, who constantly reminds me that I’m doing the best I can. I am doing the best I can, whether that is maintaining the schedule of a healthy person half my age or the schedule of a 40-something, chronically ill person.
I want to make blogging and creative writing a bigger priority in 2022.
I really miss writing. I had to take a break from professional writing for most of the year for health reasons, and my creative writing took a big hit as well. A few weeks ago, I realized how much I miss connecting with my friends in the blogging community and determined that I need to start writing more. I have lists of topics I want to write about and there’s no time like the present to do it. So, in 2022, I will be sharing more content here on the blog, writing more short stories, and working on the five-ish book projects that have been sitting in neatly organized folders on my computer desktop.
I have never been more grateful to be vaccinated than I am right now.
When I started working in medicine about two decades ago, I was required to get several vaccines, for Hepatitis A and B, among others. One of the doctors that I worked with explained that the likelihood of coming in contact with such diseases was rare, but there was a greater chance in a medical office than not, so I signed the forms and got jabbed. It wasn’t until I sat down to get my second vaccine for COVID-19 that I felt truly grateful to be receiving one of the many benefits of science. This virus that has been circulating around the world and mutating into (now, three) different variants, has taken the lives of a lot of people, both healthy and chronically ill or immunocompromised.
Life has pretty much been put on hold for close to two years and we are all tired of it. I am so grateful to have been able to get a vaccine, to do my part to help stop the spread of the virus, but also to keep myself healthy, and allow myself to feel more confident getting out of my bubble a little. I simply would not have the ability to step foot in a grocery store, much less travel, if I didn’t have some protection for myself. Of course, I still wear a mask and keep the normal precautions that I always do, but this has given me peace of mind I wouldn’t have otherwise.
My life needs more books and music, and less screen time.
It’s the beginning of December and I’m nowhere near close to finishing all the books that are on my 2021 reading list. This is because I have been binge-watching my favorite shows or doom-scrolling any chance I get. A new rule I’m setting for myself says that I’m not allowed to turn on the TV or get on social until I’ve read three chapters in whichever book that’s currently on my nightstand. I foresee a lot of reading in the next few weeks.
Another thing I need more of is music. Spotify just released their “Unwrapped” recap for the year, in which you can see what your most played artists, songs, podcasts are, and my listening minutes were waaaayyyy down from last year. So, music on when I’m driving, cooking, and folding laundry, and books for all other free time in the day.
It might be time to go back to therapy.
This was a season for triggers. I came to the realization, after listening to Kate Speer of The Dogist in a podcast recently, that I might have some PTSD. I read somewhere (of course, now, I can’t remember where) that while most PTSD comes from grand traumatic experiences, another type of it can come from small traumas that happen over and over again. There have been a few instances in the last month or so where I’ve been triggered by something completely innocent and it sent me into a full-blown fawning panic attack. I can’t communicate or move until it passes. Sometimes, there is crying, sometimes, not, but it’s set off a little warning light that something is wrong and I need might need professional help to work through it. This, just to say that there is no shame in seeking help. There is no shame in going to therapy or taking medication for your mental health. <3
