Self Image | 2020

Several years ago, I wrote a post called "self image." It was based on a series created by a YouTuber who no longer makes videos, but the premise of that project was to define who you are every year, honestly, using the medium of your choice. I didn't keep up with it over the last few years because I was learning who I was again after some big life changes. Now that we are halfway through a new year and starting a new decade, and this life feels a little more mine, I thought it was a good time for an update. The old post is now gone, like the person I was then. This is the woman who is here now.

But first, a disclaimer. These posts are meant to be an intimate look at who you are, inside and out. For that reason, many people end up writing them in private journals and never sharing them with the world. It is not easy to write about yourself, to bare your soul for anyone to read. It's taken months for me to put this one together, and nearly as long to work up the courage to go live with it, but I use it as part of my bio, and that needed an update, so here we are. I believe we are all complex human beings with countless facets and our full stories could never fit on the page of any blog, but here's an attempt to document part of mine.

My name is Lecy and this is me in 2020.

I am a gluten-free soy-free dairy-free pescatarian, a book worm, a space nerd, and a lover of all things The West Wing. I am a cis-gendered woman, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend, and a mama to half a dozen fuzzy angel critters. I am also an ex-wife, though I've wavered with this one, whether to keep the label or call myself single, for fear that it would somehow erase all the years that I put my heart into someone else. I believe it does not.

I am an INFJ who craves a meaningful life and deep connection with others, but the Sagittarius in me is a wandering, old soul who is fiercely loyal and always in pursuit of wisdom and adventure. I am a writer, a storyteller, and an amateur nature and landscape photographer. I enjoy creating things with my hands. I am a skeptical realist, an overthinker, and a questioner. I leave no stone unturned. I am a habitual researcher.

I am a daydreamer, a neat-freak, and a germaphobe - the last one being both out of habit and necessity. I am a survivor. I've come within minutes of death, caught a glimpse of the other side, and yet lived to tell about it. Your perspective on life changes after something like that...

I have a lot of quirks. I roll my eyes too much. I take open college courses for fun. I hide my deep and painful history of anxiety and depression behind a veil of sharp sarcasm. I rarely smile, and when I do, people tell me I look like I'm up to something. I am the queen of the RBF. I tend to let my mind wander to places it shouldn't go. I sometimes curse like a sailor. I occasionally embarrass people by breaking out into the running man in the middle of the produce aisle at the grocery store. This has happened more than once. I can carry on full conversations in emoji. I speak cat. No, really. I do.

I am a hopeless but hopeful romantic, as my best friend calls me. I crave the kind of love that I so freely give. I need to belong somewhere. I want to be someone's forever, to sit next to them on the front porch swing and gaze up at the stars every night and pour their first cup of coffee every morning. At the same time, I'm not into the mushy stuff. I prefer blunt honesty over Hallmark cards and books over flowers or diamonds.

I have a big heart and I love with every ounce of it - if you can navigate the moat teeming with alligators and scale the barbed-wire-wrapped fence. I'm determined, passionate, a hard worker, and I fight for what I want, but I often find myself growing bored in situations that don't seem to be going anywhere. I stand up for what's right, root for the underdog, and fiercely guard the ones I love. I pour myself into my people more than I ever will myself. I am loyal to a fault, even when it means sticking by someone who has hurt me.

I often worry that I'm forgettable, that I don't make a lasting impact on others. I sometimes need a little reassurance because I don't stand out in the crowd. I prefer the dark corner where the spotlight doesn't reach. I was the girl who was always picked last for the team, and that was fine by me, but my introversion did keep me from making a lot of lifelong friends. So, when I am able to make a mark on someone's soul, I am usually bound to them for life. I firmly believe in soul mates, both romantic and platonic.

I show love to my people by feeding them. A full belly equals a full heart, in my book. This stems from the food insecurity I felt when I was a child and the eating disorder I developed as a young adult. Watching others take delight in the food I prepare for them brings me joy and has helped me heal.

I need to constantly be in touch with the world. To be around water, exploring different cultures and philosophies, always learning something new. It is important to me that I look through different lenses each day, that I try to understand and empathize with others' experiences. I sometimes forget that not everyone is like this.

My life is a journey, not a race with a finish line. Each day is just as important as the last, and it's okay if I focus on slow, intentional living instead of chasing the hustle. I am finally growing comfortable with the idea of being present in my own story, not the supporting character that I've been settling for all of my life. I have a voice. I have a story, unique and all my own, and I am allowed to share it, even if no one else reads it.

I live in the Blue Ridge Mountains, but I'm still a beach girl at heart.

I take my tea black or with a little raw, organic honey.

I feel best in jeans and a hoodie or athletic wear, but I do enjoy a dress every now and again. I wear flip flops year-round unless there are more than three inches of snow on the ground.

My hair is always in a top knot. I don't wear much makeup, but when I do, I focus heavily on my eyes. My signature scent is Stash by Sarah Jessica Parker.

The level of excitement I feel when I turn someone on to my favorite book is equal to what I feel when the ice cream truck drives through the neighborhood.

The best way to cheer me up is by sending me photos of baby animals or making me laugh with sarcastic remarks.

I will probably always greet a dog or cat before I greet their human.

I'd rather read books than watch television.

I'd rather stare at the starry night sky than watch the sun rise.

I still get excited when my writing touches someone.

This is me in 2020.