Things That Scare Me

Fear is a powerful and primitive emotion that we all experience throughout our lives. Often times, it drives us to make drastic changes in our lives to avoid having to face the things that we fear. A few months ago, a writer I greatly respect - Kacy Boccumini - shared a list of ten things that scared her. I was inspired to write a list of my own, but after pondering on and researching the topic, I wanted to dig a little deeper.

What if we could use our fears to make our lives better in some way? What if we could look at our fears in a new way and understand why we have them in the first place? Karen Thompson Walker did an interesting Ted talk about seeing fear as a form of storytelling and how they can be used to propel our imagination. In a different perspective, Tim Ferriss shared an intriguing idea about using fear-setting to guide our lives as opposed to goals.

If you Google the term "fear," over 1.16 billion results come up. Fear is obviously something we all think about, but I wonder how many actually sit with their fears long enough to learn from them. Below are the ten things that scare me the most. Some of them are more superficial, while others have some deep roots. I don't know if I will be able to "conquer" any of them in my lifetime, but all of them are ideas that I will be thinking about for a long time to come.

10. Disappointing people that I care about.

I have always been a people-pleaser. From early childhood, I have thrived on praise and gold stars. I go above and beyond to achieve more than I am asked and I experience tremendous guilt when I am unable to say "yes" to someone's request. Some of this can be attributed to my perfectionist personality. Some, to growing up as the older sibling in a large family, bearing more responsibility than most my age.

What it really comes down to is that I don't like to disrupt the delicate balance I feel in the relationships of those closest to me. I've always felt that my life is one giant Jenga stack, teetering away as I pull one of the dependable, sturdy blocks from the bottom and leave a gap, compromising the integrity of the whole structure. I am afraid of disappointing people. I'm afraid that they will realize that I am not the person they originally thought I was and therefore am no longer worthy of their time, their efforts, their relationship.

09. Becoming ill.

Having worked in the medical industry for fifteen years, I've seen quite a few versions of the horror stories that make up the plot for many a Lifetime movie. Someone gets sick, becomes incapacitated, is a burden to their family and friends, and inevitably ends up on life support where one of those relatives or friends has to make the decision about pulling the plug or not. Extreme, yes. Credible? Absolutely.

Because I was diagnosed with a debilitating illness with degenerative symptoms fairly early in my life, I completed all the necessary paperwork to ensure that my family wouldn't have to make any difficult decisions in the event that I become incapacitated. But I am still very much afraid of being seen as a burden by my loved ones. I'm afraid of becoming ill and needing to rely on others so much that I've hidden my symptoms from those close to me. I am afraid that my illness would make others not want to be around me, especially when I most need them.

08. The unknown.

I do not like to be surprised, whether it's something pleasant like a birthday party or a new medical procedure. I'd prefer to have the time to prepare myself for whatever is to come. Usually, this involves a lot of research. I've always been the type of person who has a plan B and C for every situation and outcome, and being caught off guard is a big fear of mine. I'm afraid of being in circumstances where I don't know what to expect or feel unprepared and possibly, would not respond appropriately to whatever that situation presented.

07. Rejection.

Like everyone else, I've had a healthy dose of rejection in my adult life. Unfortunately, a handful of these instances were ones that really stuck with me and have affected the way I now approach relationships. I am afraid of opening up and putting myself in a vulnerable position and then being hurt again. I am afraid of being rejected. It wounds my soul and I take it as a personal jab. I am so afraid of rejection that I tend to keep everyone at arm's length and don't let anyone close to me. It takes a very long time for me to open up and allow someone into my heart, whether it's a romantic relationship or not.

06. Guns.

I had a traumatizing experience with a gun when I was in my early 20s and since then, I've had no interest in being anywhere close to one. I never learned how to fire one. I've never actually held a gun in my hand. Because of my experience, deep in my brain, guns represent danger. I am afraid of being shot, plain and simple. But I am also afraid of others being shot, whether intentionally or accidentally. It scares me that they are one type of weapon that can do a lot of damage without needing to be close to it.

05. Extreme heights.

Since about middle school, I've had a recurrent dream about either standing on a razor-thin mountain top or the ledge of a very tall building... and falling to my death. I'd have them about once a week and continue to, although the frequency has dwindled a bit. This is probably one of my healthier fears because there would indeed be a danger if I was perched precariously on the edge of a cliff, but it still terrifies me. I am unable to watch scenes in movies where people fall from extreme heights, and even thinking about being close to a window or balcony in a very tall building gives me chills. Like many others, I am afraid of falling to my death.

04. Losing control.

I am a recovering control freak, but it still scares me to know that I can't control everything. I am afraid of not having control over my life or my body. The thought of losing control of a vehicle I'm driving frightens me. I know there are certain things I do have control over, but many that I do not, and I am still very much afraid of not being in control of the things that affect me and my well-being.

03. Things in the dark.

I am not afraid of the dark, per se, but I am afraid of what might be lurking in the dark. I grew up in a very rural area of the Blue Ridge Mountains and there are mountain lions, bears, coyotes, and an assortment of other wild animals roaming free in these parts. We grew up knowing to be cautious about going outside late at night because we never knew what we'd encounter. This fear transfers over to the spiritual realm as well. I cannot handle tales about ghosts or people being possessed by evil spirits. It all gives me major heebie-jeebies. I am afraid of the things in the dark.

02. Losing people I care about.

Most people would say they have at least a mild fear of death. My own death is one thing I am not afraid of. What scares me is the death of people I care about. When I was a child, I used to pray that I would die before my family dog, Tippy. At the time, Tippy was probably less than five years old, and I can remember lying awake at night, stressing out about what it would feel like to lose her. Until that point, I hadn't had much experience with death. A few years later, I lost a cousin my age, but I was still young enough that I didn't really understand the permanence of death when it came to humans.

Since I hit my 20s, I've lost a lot of people in my life and I can say one thing for sure. There is nothing like the pain and heaviness of grief. It is not something you can prepare for and it's not something you can escape. Tippy ended up dying about ten years later, and it was harder than I imagined it would be. While I am not afraid of my own death, I am afraid of living without the people (and animals) I love.

01. Judgment.

Probably my biggest fear, or at least the one I've struggled with the most, is my fear of judgment. When I was in middle and high school, I was not part of the "in" crowd. I was often bullied (although I hate this term) by a group of mean girls from my class and since then, I've always been afraid that I was being judged by others. I'm afraid of people making false assumptions about me, especially if they are negative, and tend to over-explain my feelings or actions to try to prevent this. I've always had to work extra hard to find validation in my accomplishments because I was worried that I wouldn't measure up in the eyes of others.

After sitting down and writing out all of my major fears, I must say that I find the concept of fear very interesting. What makes one idea so scary for one person but not for another? Then, to add to my amazement, I'm intrigued by all the different ways we react to our fears. Looking forward, I'm going to try to get a better understanding of my fears and how they affect me and then use the concept that Tim Ferriss presents to do some fear-setting.