Dear Heartbreaker | A Letter to the One I Let Go

Dear Heartbreaker,

This letter has been a long time coming, three years overdue, in fact, but sometimes, finding the right words to say goodbye isn’t easy, even when you know it’s the right thing, the necessary thing.

I loved you for the longest time. I gave all of myself up to the task of making you happy, often leaving me with nothing but tears and no sense of fulfillment. I tried so hard to love you in a way that would translate into a language you needed, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I opened up and let you in, and you took advantage of the trust that I’d given. You burrowed your way into my mind and dug support posts to ensure that you’d always have a space here, with no intention of sticking around for good.

And I let you. I gave you the real estate, free of charge. I have always loved hard and oftentimes, I’ve hurt even harder, and this is one of those times. You broke my heart in a way that I'd never experienced before. The fault lines where I'd glued myself back together from previous heartaches, turned again to dust. There is no pain like that of abandonment. Of hearing the promises and starting to believe them, believing that you were different, that you cared, and then hearing your footsteps as you walk away, leaving me gasping and stunned with a hole in my chest.

We had good times, sure, but I think we both agree that, even though we felt right at first, the connection that we had wasn’t enough to make this stick. I needed more than you could give, and you were too afraid to open your heart. That’s not a recipe for longevity.

For the longest time, I thought that I was the one who lost in this game that we’ve been playing, but I look back on our time differently now. I learned a lot about myself in our aftermath. I learned about resilience and grief. I learned about letting go. I learned to be comfortable alone, that I actually like it. I learned how to love myself a little more than I need someone else to love me. And I learned how to open my heart again, how to let someone else love me, and that’s sometimes the most difficult thing of all.

I thought I lost, but it was you who lost in the end. Because you don't have me anymore.

Best wishes,

L