Coffee Date | Fall 2018
"When you least expect it, nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot." - André Aciman
If you and I had coffee...
We'd meet up at one of those hole-in-the-wall diners that's open twenty-four hours a day. The kind of place that is always featured in movies and subtlely implies that it's where all the deep conversations happen. It would be late at night and I'd order a slice of cherry pie so I could eat all the crust - my favorite part - and leave the mushy over-cooked fruit filling on the plate. We'd sit for a minute and watch as the rain streamed down the glass-paneled window.
If you and I had coffee...
I'd tell you that I've been all up in my feels lately. Last week, someone who I thought cared for me did something really shady and it hurt more than I expected. I knew it was coming. It was one of those slow-motion train wrecks that you watch from a distance and are unable to stop because of the sheer force of velocity and momentum. I needed a good cry and chocolate cake and a week without internet or people in order to come to terms with what was happening.
If you and I had coffee...
I'd tell you that during my time away, I questioned everything. I debated the validity of my thoughts and ideas. I thought about the life choices that brought me to this point. I pondered the idea of shutting down this space permanently and jumping off a bridge and ending it all. The human mind is a dark and scary place and my depression is that thick sometimes. Obviously, I didn't go to the bridge. I'm still here and still hurting, but I know that one day, I'll look back on these difficult moments and realize how minuscule they were and how they were all worth it in the end.
If you and I had coffee...
I'd tell you that in the last few days, I've come closer to embracing who I am than I ever have in my life. I've been denying myself of my true identity, trying to hide the parts of me that are too painful to bear in full light, the parts I've been ashamed of, the parts that others might find to be too awkward or quirky or abrasive. The truth is, I have to stop apologizing for who I am. I have to stop making excuses for why I'm different. I'm not sorry for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm not sorry for being prone to depression. I'm not sorry for having a mind that spins on an axis that is a little off-kilter from everyone else's.
If you and I had coffee...
I'd tell you that I am a girl in transition. This little creative space of mine will be transitioning with me. You'll see a lot less of the status quo, the empty words, the routine chatter. You'll probably not see as much content as before, but what you will see is going to be deeper and straight out of this broken and glued-together heart. Stay tuned. I have so much to say.
