Dear Anxiety | A Letter of Encouragement
Dear Anxiety,
My dear nighttime thief. It is 3 a.m. as I write this letter. You kept me up late last night, rolling under the covers, gasping for breath, and not finding a comfortable spot in which to rest. Tonight will surely be a rerun of the last seven. I'm exhausted, not only from the lack of sleep but from fighting you. I have to keep fighting, though, because if I stop, I'll sink into you so deep, I may never come out.
If I'm lucky, I'll wake in the morning with bloodshot eyes, dark circles lining them, having stolen a wink and a nod. If I'm not so lucky, I'll watch the minutes tick by, shut my alarm clock off long before it rings and watch the sun rise with you. Either way, when you are around, there is no rest for the weary.
Some days, you feel like a quiet premonition, like the stillness in the air before a storm rolls in. A subtle uneasiness in my chest, nervous fingers, and deep breaths that never seem to fill my lungs with enough air. Sometimes, it's a shaky leg. Eyes that can't focus on one thing for too long. I stay "productive" by bouncing from one task to another but never really accomplishing much at all. It's just easier to temporarily drown you out with tedious chores rather than listening to the constant nagging.
Other times, if you show up with your old pal, depression, my symptoms come as days in bed, feeling so dark that it hurts to move. Curtains pulled, any fragment of light will shatter me. I spend these days trying to free myself from your grip, breaking each finger and prying it from my neck. Some describe you as an elephant sitting on their chest. On these days, I rather think of you as a herd of them and they are doing the tango.
I know that I have to stay active to keep you away. I have to work out. I have to get fresh air. I have to practice self-care and I have to talk with friends who know my struggles. I need to have time with people I love, people who know my heart and how to calm me. I also need to be alone and have time to sit quietly and process the whirlwind of thoughts in my head.
Living with you has been a learning experience. I've learned a lot about empathy. When someone else says they are struggling with you, I know how they feel and I share in their grief. It is hard to have a friend like you. I've learned that you do not define me. I am bigger than you and I'm stronger as well. I've come to realize that even though the light at the end of this dark tunnel is but a pinprick in my visual field, if I keep running, I will get to it eventually. The most important thing I've learned from you is patience. Beating you takes time and there is no quick fix. It takes a whole lot of hard work and dedication, but it will be worth it. Every moment without you is worth it.
One day, I will beat you. One day, this storm will pass. You might leave wreckage in your wake, but I will find the strength to rebuild and keep moving. I will overcome you. Because I'm afraid of who I'll be the day that I can't.
Sincerely,
A Fighter
For more info on mental illness or Mental Health Awareness Month, please visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness. If you are in a crisis and need immediate assistance, you can call (800) 950-NAMI (6264) or text "NAMI" to 741741.
