Dear 2019 | A Letter of Reflection

"Be brave enough to heal yourself, even when it hurts." - Bianca Sparacino

Dear 2019,

It's come to that time of year again. I must close your chapter and begin writing a new one. But first, I want to look back and reflect on all that we've been through. I'd like to say that you were a good year, but we both know that isn't true. You were downright dreadful at times. I didn't want to write this letter at first, but I do want to carry forward some positive memories. So, here we go.

You were the year of learning how to speak up for myself again. For too long, I've put my own needs on the backburner in the spirit of not wanting to make waves, and I always ended up getting hurt because of it. You taught me that most people have their own self-interest in mind and that it's not selfish to do what's necessary to preserve my mental health and physical well-being. It's not always easy, but it's something I keep filed under the "me, in progress" tab.

You were the year of finding balance in my life. I've always struggled between the poles of pushing myself but feeling like it was never enough, and not allowing myself to enjoy time off. I was running a race where I never got closer to the finish line, and it was exhausting. You helped me learn that it's okay to take a day for myself, that freelancers can't possibly work twenty hours every single day and not burn out.

You were also the year that I finally learned to listen to my body. This was a tough lesson, but after watching others with chronic illnesses struggle to balance their own scales, I knew I had to make my health a priority. Even though I hate every moment of it, some days, I just have to fit my work in between naps and clear my calendar when I need a little more time to recover after a flare. I had to learn that I can't always keep up with those I want to measure myself against, and that accomplishments aren't the sum of what I'm worth. Some days, keeping myself alive is enough of a gold star.

You were the year of watching horror stories unfold on the local and international news, when each day read like the pages of a dystopian novel. Not only were there political atrocities throughout the world, but natural disasters were literally ripping the planet apart at the seams. Storms, floods, earthquakes, and fires ravaged our land and it was horrible, but what I do want to remember was how people came together to take care of one another. Donations for each event poured in from all over the world. People hopped on planes to selflessly volunteer. When they couldn't rely on their government to help in a timely fashion, it was the people who stepped up and took the burden on themselves. Witnessing this gave me a little more faith in humanity.

You were the year of getting even closer with my siblings. From the time I was young, I said I got to grow up with eight of my best friends, and now that we are all adults, our bonds are even stronger. You taught me I don't always have to play the part of "big sister" anymore. That I can let them see me break and trust that they will be there to lift me up again. I have so enjoyed watching them mature into the unique people they've become, and I'm grateful that the threads of our family tribe are woven so tightly.

You were the year of so much negativity, so much that I want to forget and move on from, but you were also the year of a lot of growth and hope for something better around the corner. It is with both disgust and gratitude that I close your chapter.

No offense 2019, but I'm glad to see you go.